My friend Brian and I were chatting on IM and I was telling him about the Facebook meme which went around recently about ”Your first born child”. Of course, I have no children but I liked reading other peoples responses and most of the questions were like, did you know what you were having? What was your due date? etc. But question number 4 was “Was abortion an option for you?”
I mean this quiz was about YOUR FIRST BORN child. So clearly, everyone answering HAD THE CHILD. If abortion was an option, is that really something you want someone you went to 5th grade with and the dude who sits in the cube next to you (you know, the typical Facebook friends) to know about? Secondly, DEAR FACEBOOK MIND YOUR BUSINESS. Who wrote this question??? I am very (very) pro-choice, but holy fuck, that question is just RUDE.
There was also the one about your partner with such lovely questions as, “who’s smarter?” Well THANK YOU FOR ASKING FACEBOOK! My partner is a dumb ass! Jesus H.
So, then Brian and I started brainstorming a new Facebook meme, The 25 Most Invasive Questions. Some we came up with were:
What do you like least about your mom?
What do you like least about your partners mom?
What is the worst VD you ever had?
If you could sleep with someone better than your partner would you?
That’s the title of the new OK Magazine cover story about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and her presenting on the Oscars. Yes, forget the audience of millions of people and the room full of every star in Hollywood… her smile WAS ONLY FOR HER EX HUSBAND.
My mother approaches technology much as one would a game of Mad Libs. For instance, when attempting to express the statement “I want to stream television online.”, my mother will say something to the effect of “I want to download the television podcast.” This is an actual thing my mother said to me today in the car. The list of computer jargon my mother possesses is short but I’ve learned to infer the meanings through context.
To speak this language it is only necessary to insert any of the nouns in the noun space in the sentence and any of the verbs in the verb space in the sentence. Mix creatively—coherence is irrelevant!
I told my mother my theory and she responded, “I know the word ‘online’!”
My mother does not know what a podcast is. We had a very difficult phone conversation once where I tried to describe cutting and pasting. I was like, “You place your cursor where you want to start and then drag — do you know what your cursor is?”
This sounds like me trying to explain to Bob how to make a smiley face. “You hit the colon. NO THE COLON. Then you do the parathesis. Above the zero. NO THE ZERO. Hit shift. NO. SHIFT.” Then he says, oh, it’s on the same key as the question mark. To which I say “WHAT? No, the ZEEEROOO.”
When major retail outfits send out catalogs and emails to the effect of “Go green in your kitchen!” By buying more stuff. Probably to replace the perfectly useful stuff you already have which is not not-biodegrading in a landfil because you are still using it.
Not to mention all the catalogs which will now go into a landfill and the energy it took to send the email out and produce all that useless information. I thought the same thing when I got it. Blah!